Wish I was Cold-Hearted

I can't find the correct words, or the right moment to describe my feelings to you; I know it is one-sided, but I would still like to be friends with you for eternity. I do understand that I would never be able to heal your physical scars, but, I am propitious that I would be able to heal the scars on your heart, and on your mind, that you have gathered all along your life’s journey.

I hardly have any friends who remain with me, and I have made myself use to getting abandoned by people who I love, or care. It pains, it effects my heart and health and emotions, but, time passes and the pain becomes bearable and the intensity diminishes with time; but the fragment of the memory always remain. However with you, I do feel like spending my lifetime with you. I know, I'm a boring and a dry person, and at times I really run out of topics to talk with you, but I don’t mind the awkward silence with you, and I do really try  hard to make you smile, the smile that lights up my heart. But yes I'd like to dedicate my life to you. Nonetheless, it is your life, and you are free to live it as you want to; I would not stop you, as I do not have any consent over you, and most important of all, I would like to see you happy, no matter if that makes me sad. 

When you are stressed or in a nasty mood, or feeling low, I feel like just holding you tight and absorbing all your sadness into me. I want to suck the gloom in your heart and take it upon my heart. I would want to hug you so that you may be free of all your worries and disquiet. May it come out in form of tears or complaining to me, or ranting at me, I would gladly accept that; though I would love to argue with you as well.

When you have your mood swings, I feel to kiss you so to suck all the sadness out. Your curved lips do look like they long for a touch. The touch of pure, sincere and loyal love, not a diabolical one. Your rosy pink lips with the beautiful curved smile, which emits a radiant energy looks beautiful than ever. I feel like kissing those, drinking the poisonous thoughts and sadness off your blood. Your eyes, they shine like diamonds in the sky, twinkles like a bright Venus on a dark night. When your sweet mouth opens, and you speak in your soft gentle voice, it feels very saccharine to my ears.  
I am not sure, if you are aware of my feelings towards you, but I'm scared to mention it. One, of course it's a one sided realm. Second I am too scared to lose you. I know the immense pain of losing would be a brutal experience for me, and the scars would be permanent, but I don't think there is anything that I can do about it. 

I feel your coldness towards me sometime. It's like you've never felt my love at all, or you're too good to veil it. It may be true, that you hide your love behind this smiling and happy facade, but I may be wrong. But I feel like there is no spark in you at all. 

I find you lonely and confused about who you want to spend your life with, you have built a wall around yourself, protecting your fragile heart; which I feel is much stronger than you think. You look for love in others, and turn a blind eye towards mine; maybe because I'm not ideal, or rich or handsome; I am just an ordinary person, and probably because I have the skills to build an architectural facade capable of hiding my feelings. Behind this facade my suffering heart is continuously trying to take my brain's support; which accepts that what I want is never possible. I never felt jealous when you look for love in others, but now I do feel the green running in me. But it's very minute, because I see you happy, but I am scared that they in which you look for love may hurt you.

You may easily get hurt, for you are too innocent, and can be easily influenced, I try to protect you with my subtle gestures and messages, and pointless philosophies. I am not sure if you ever get my point, but I always find you wandering somewhere far off when I am speaking. My tenuous attempts to express my feelings go in vain, most of the time. But, at times, I do feel that you can sense or perceive the radiance that I try to emit, but you simply choose to ignore it. For they say that ignorance is bliss, I am not sure about that, but I do acknowledge the fact that forcing oneself to be ignorant is not a bliss, but a vacuous act.

I wish I was more upfront. And that is my only flaw, which I have never been able to be upfront with you. All my straight forwardness and sweetness and niceness is of no use if I can't use it to be with you, or even state my feelings for you. Or at least tell you my feelings. I am not even able to tell you my feelings now. 

I feel I have failed miserably. When I see you smiling I feel energetic, and when I see you in a bad mood or irritated I feel like showering you with my love, hugging you tight, and listen to you forever complaining about here and there. Listening to your sweet voice is like a blessing. Yes I can hear you complain or talk or sing forever or even whine forever. I do feel like fighting with you, arguing with you, but you go into a noiseless protest, which is not good for your innocent heart, therefore I try to avoid that as well. Though at this point I feel like kissing your lips when you feel the need, and giving you a luminous hug to make you smile.

You are the most beautiful soul when you make a silly joke, and laugh like you are free of all worries, or your skin goes crimson, or you blush, and go all red. Or when you listen to my problem attentively, and give some advice, or make a stupid joke to lighten up the situation.

I see your small soft hands, and neatly polished nails, not fancy and grown, but still decent and beautiful. I do notice your feet, the small delicate feet which you take care of, and glowing skin, which emanates strange pleasure. Your long thick hair, with a fragrance of pleasant shampoo, and the smell of your perfume with slight sweat and tiredness, all seem enticing to me.

Your body fragrance and your physical appearance is not the only thing that has attracted me. It's the extreme sweet innocent and caring nature that you have. It is the tendency to have a deep conversation, and the honesty and the upfront nature that you have, along with your beautiful soul dedicated to God. People do take advantage of you and therefore, I want to protect you from the prying eyes who look forward to ravish you. 

I know you are full of scars on your heart and mind. I want to heal those for you. Your smile brightens my day. You have no idea about that. For long I have searched for such a person. But it's only now that I have found you, and at the same time I'm too scared to lose you as well. 
I try my best to control the feelings that I have for you, but I think I may be failing and there is no way out for me anymore. I am also aware that your heart and you yourself would not approve it at all as well.


I see that you are a cold-hearted human towards me, and I only wish I was cold-hearted equally, I have tried and I have failed miserably. 

Wish I was cold-hearted.