Wish I was Cold-Hearted

I can't find the correct words, or the right moment to describe my feelings to you; I know it is one-sided, but I would still like to be friends with you for eternity. I do understand that I would never be able to heal your physical scars, but, I am propitious that I would be able to heal the scars on your heart, and on your mind, that you have gathered all along your life’s journey.

I hardly have any friends who remain with me, and I have made myself use to getting abandoned by people who I love, or care. It pains, it effects my heart and health and emotions, but, time passes and the pain becomes bearable and the intensity diminishes with time; but the fragment of the memory always remain. However with you, I do feel like spending my lifetime with you. I know, I'm a boring and a dry person, and at times I really run out of topics to talk with you, but I don’t mind the awkward silence with you, and I do really try  hard to make you smile, the smile that lights up my heart. But yes I'd like to dedicate my life to you. Nonetheless, it is your life, and you are free to live it as you want to; I would not stop you, as I do not have any consent over you, and most important of all, I would like to see you happy, no matter if that makes me sad. 

When you are stressed or in a nasty mood, or feeling low, I feel like just holding you tight and absorbing all your sadness into me. I want to suck the gloom in your heart and take it upon my heart. I would want to hug you so that you may be free of all your worries and disquiet. May it come out in form of tears or complaining to me, or ranting at me, I would gladly accept that; though I would love to argue with you as well.

When you have your mood swings, I feel to kiss you so to suck all the sadness out. Your curved lips do look like they long for a touch. The touch of pure, sincere and loyal love, not a diabolical one. Your rosy pink lips with the beautiful curved smile, which emits a radiant energy looks beautiful than ever. I feel like kissing those, drinking the poisonous thoughts and sadness off your blood. Your eyes, they shine like diamonds in the sky, twinkles like a bright Venus on a dark night. When your sweet mouth opens, and you speak in your soft gentle voice, it feels very saccharine to my ears.  
I am not sure, if you are aware of my feelings towards you, but I'm scared to mention it. One, of course it's a one sided realm. Second I am too scared to lose you. I know the immense pain of losing would be a brutal experience for me, and the scars would be permanent, but I don't think there is anything that I can do about it. 

I feel your coldness towards me sometime. It's like you've never felt my love at all, or you're too good to veil it. It may be true, that you hide your love behind this smiling and happy facade, but I may be wrong. But I feel like there is no spark in you at all. 

I find you lonely and confused about who you want to spend your life with, you have built a wall around yourself, protecting your fragile heart; which I feel is much stronger than you think. You look for love in others, and turn a blind eye towards mine; maybe because I'm not ideal, or rich or handsome; I am just an ordinary person, and probably because I have the skills to build an architectural facade capable of hiding my feelings. Behind this facade my suffering heart is continuously trying to take my brain's support; which accepts that what I want is never possible. I never felt jealous when you look for love in others, but now I do feel the green running in me. But it's very minute, because I see you happy, but I am scared that they in which you look for love may hurt you.

You may easily get hurt, for you are too innocent, and can be easily influenced, I try to protect you with my subtle gestures and messages, and pointless philosophies. I am not sure if you ever get my point, but I always find you wandering somewhere far off when I am speaking. My tenuous attempts to express my feelings go in vain, most of the time. But, at times, I do feel that you can sense or perceive the radiance that I try to emit, but you simply choose to ignore it. For they say that ignorance is bliss, I am not sure about that, but I do acknowledge the fact that forcing oneself to be ignorant is not a bliss, but a vacuous act.

I wish I was more upfront. And that is my only flaw, which I have never been able to be upfront with you. All my straight forwardness and sweetness and niceness is of no use if I can't use it to be with you, or even state my feelings for you. Or at least tell you my feelings. I am not even able to tell you my feelings now. 

I feel I have failed miserably. When I see you smiling I feel energetic, and when I see you in a bad mood or irritated I feel like showering you with my love, hugging you tight, and listen to you forever complaining about here and there. Listening to your sweet voice is like a blessing. Yes I can hear you complain or talk or sing forever or even whine forever. I do feel like fighting with you, arguing with you, but you go into a noiseless protest, which is not good for your innocent heart, therefore I try to avoid that as well. Though at this point I feel like kissing your lips when you feel the need, and giving you a luminous hug to make you smile.

You are the most beautiful soul when you make a silly joke, and laugh like you are free of all worries, or your skin goes crimson, or you blush, and go all red. Or when you listen to my problem attentively, and give some advice, or make a stupid joke to lighten up the situation.

I see your small soft hands, and neatly polished nails, not fancy and grown, but still decent and beautiful. I do notice your feet, the small delicate feet which you take care of, and glowing skin, which emanates strange pleasure. Your long thick hair, with a fragrance of pleasant shampoo, and the smell of your perfume with slight sweat and tiredness, all seem enticing to me.

Your body fragrance and your physical appearance is not the only thing that has attracted me. It's the extreme sweet innocent and caring nature that you have. It is the tendency to have a deep conversation, and the honesty and the upfront nature that you have, along with your beautiful soul dedicated to God. People do take advantage of you and therefore, I want to protect you from the prying eyes who look forward to ravish you. 

I know you are full of scars on your heart and mind. I want to heal those for you. Your smile brightens my day. You have no idea about that. For long I have searched for such a person. But it's only now that I have found you, and at the same time I'm too scared to lose you as well. 
I try my best to control the feelings that I have for you, but I think I may be failing and there is no way out for me anymore. I am also aware that your heart and you yourself would not approve it at all as well.

I see that you are a cold-hearted human towards me, and I only wish I was cold-hearted equally, I have tried and I have failed miserably. 

Wish I was cold-hearted. 

The Heartless

A new city, a new life, new friends and new people to fall for. It seemed Strange and unusual to me that for 5 straight years I had lived a mechanical life, with no emotions and no craving for love. But since the day I had returned to this city I had been feeling lost. Loneliness had become a part time friend and the need for a company had doomed me.

At times, sitting alone on my chair with my dim laptop screen, thought crossed my mind if it was I who was staring the screen or was it the screen that was staring back at me.

Similarly, my phone, which consisted of the world on my finger tips, yet I felt alone. I would scroll toward the end of stories on Twitter and feel lost. After that similarly I would scroll down to the deep ends of Facebook feeds but nothing interesting, and next I would go through the fake lives of people on Instagram, which of course did not help. And next it would be Snapchat or Tumblr, or Reddit, or even 9gag which always did make me feel I was not alone, but the fake good feeling only lasted for a limited cycle.

Next I would message people or friends or just humans who I cared, and waited. Some replied, some ignored. But still to keep myself amused I did what I could to get human contact. I would tire myself watching classical films to comic to disturbing and so on, still I would feel as if a heavy stone was tied to my chest and was weighing me down.

Some considered me to be a fortunate person in a lot of senses. I never knew why. Though I had no reason to be unhappy, but I still felt the sharp pangs of unhappiness from time to time. Listening to music would feel tiring to my ears, reading books would betray me sometimes. And finally..... Finally when there was none other activity left. I prayed. I always prayed to fulfill my desires, but they were ever fulfilled. I let it be, I came to conclusions that desires were just an acute peice of imagination. But the heart never accepted it.

Next I prayed for peace, patience, company, strength but nothing came easily. Sliding down the Rocky Mountain of life I prayed for love, still nothing. From the materialistic to spiritual journey I still felt void. Initially no reason in particular. But with the continuous failing and falling I came to accept that the One to whom I prayed was indeed a Heartless one.

Yes. Heartless. I tried to be heartless like him, so to keep and take myself away from the perils of being sad, still it didn't work. Days in days out I tried to show apathy. Apathy towards people, towards emotion. Towards the single person for whom my infatuation was turning into love. But I could not. I was still lonely, which would not be that bad but still unhappy for no reason.

I am still here in my room where darkness surrounds me, with the continued load-shedding and frequent power cuts. I sit and think for a reason to be sad. There is one, but my mind is too scared to acknowledge it. I want to betray my mind into thinking all is good. Whereas in reality I'm just nobody.

After repeating the drill of checking Facebook Twitter and other mediums of false communication. I try spiritual communication and feel the same. I send messages to people making myself a fool and realise that is it not working either.

The last resort is praying to the heartless God, but since he is heartless he would not listen or pay any heed, but hope keeps me go back to this HeartlessGod.

Wish I was as heartless as Him. Or as heartless as the person who I would like to love. Or as heartless as the stone which depicts the God.

But I can't. My heart is weak, fragile. Does not say No.

Sleep. I try to sleep. Close my eyes and think nothing but thoughts they flow like someone slashes a human throat and there flow the stream of blood. Red and thick.

I sit in my chair lost or lay on my bed staring somewhere far off. My mind jumps to the person of interest. I pick my phone to text her, only to realise that I was wasting time. Instead I text my friends only to get a reply after hours when the feeling has subsided. The stupendous efforts I make to find company, the length I go to make people happy, or even the false apathy I show off to make myself feel better. All seems to go in vain.

Everything goes to vain and I sit there only to realise that this is the reality of this city. Loneliness, false promises, blank hearts, and above all the heartless ones.

The Heartless One - in this darkness when there is nothing to do, or no one to speak to I feel her thoughts crawling into my heart and even the brain, I suppress the love that I feel. Suppress it because nothing hurts more than loving someone who does not love you back. In the end it's better to be heartless and transpose the darkness in the city to your heart. To avoid any further emotional and mental pain.

And to make sure you are able to do that, it's always better to remember that the Almighty one is also a Heartless One.