Wish I was Cold-Hearted

I can't find the correct words, or the right moment to describe my feelings to you; I know it is one-sided, but I would still like to be friends with you for eternity. I do understand that I would never be able to heal your physical scars, but, I am propitious that I would be able to heal the scars on your heart, and on your mind, that you have gathered all along your life’s journey.

I hardly have any friends who remain with me, and I have made myself use to getting abandoned by people who I love, or care. It pains, it effects my heart and health and emotions, but, time passes and the pain becomes bearable and the intensity diminishes with time; but the fragment of the memory always remain. However with you, I do feel like spending my lifetime with you. I know, I'm a boring and a dry person, and at times I really run out of topics to talk with you, but I don’t mind the awkward silence with you, and I do really try  hard to make you smile, the smile that lights up my heart. But yes I'd like to dedicate my life to you. Nonetheless, it is your life, and you are free to live it as you want to; I would not stop you, as I do not have any consent over you, and most important of all, I would like to see you happy, no matter if that makes me sad. 

When you are stressed or in a nasty mood, or feeling low, I feel like just holding you tight and absorbing all your sadness into me. I want to suck the gloom in your heart and take it upon my heart. I would want to hug you so that you may be free of all your worries and disquiet. May it come out in form of tears or complaining to me, or ranting at me, I would gladly accept that; though I would love to argue with you as well.

When you have your mood swings, I feel to kiss you so to suck all the sadness out. Your curved lips do look like they long for a touch. The touch of pure, sincere and loyal love, not a diabolical one. Your rosy pink lips with the beautiful curved smile, which emits a radiant energy looks beautiful than ever. I feel like kissing those, drinking the poisonous thoughts and sadness off your blood. Your eyes, they shine like diamonds in the sky, twinkles like a bright Venus on a dark night. When your sweet mouth opens, and you speak in your soft gentle voice, it feels very saccharine to my ears.  
I am not sure, if you are aware of my feelings towards you, but I'm scared to mention it. One, of course it's a one sided realm. Second I am too scared to lose you. I know the immense pain of losing would be a brutal experience for me, and the scars would be permanent, but I don't think there is anything that I can do about it. 

I feel your coldness towards me sometime. It's like you've never felt my love at all, or you're too good to veil it. It may be true, that you hide your love behind this smiling and happy facade, but I may be wrong. But I feel like there is no spark in you at all. 

I find you lonely and confused about who you want to spend your life with, you have built a wall around yourself, protecting your fragile heart; which I feel is much stronger than you think. You look for love in others, and turn a blind eye towards mine; maybe because I'm not ideal, or rich or handsome; I am just an ordinary person, and probably because I have the skills to build an architectural facade capable of hiding my feelings. Behind this facade my suffering heart is continuously trying to take my brain's support; which accepts that what I want is never possible. I never felt jealous when you look for love in others, but now I do feel the green running in me. But it's very minute, because I see you happy, but I am scared that they in which you look for love may hurt you.

You may easily get hurt, for you are too innocent, and can be easily influenced, I try to protect you with my subtle gestures and messages, and pointless philosophies. I am not sure if you ever get my point, but I always find you wandering somewhere far off when I am speaking. My tenuous attempts to express my feelings go in vain, most of the time. But, at times, I do feel that you can sense or perceive the radiance that I try to emit, but you simply choose to ignore it. For they say that ignorance is bliss, I am not sure about that, but I do acknowledge the fact that forcing oneself to be ignorant is not a bliss, but a vacuous act.

I wish I was more upfront. And that is my only flaw, which I have never been able to be upfront with you. All my straight forwardness and sweetness and niceness is of no use if I can't use it to be with you, or even state my feelings for you. Or at least tell you my feelings. I am not even able to tell you my feelings now. 

I feel I have failed miserably. When I see you smiling I feel energetic, and when I see you in a bad mood or irritated I feel like showering you with my love, hugging you tight, and listen to you forever complaining about here and there. Listening to your sweet voice is like a blessing. Yes I can hear you complain or talk or sing forever or even whine forever. I do feel like fighting with you, arguing with you, but you go into a noiseless protest, which is not good for your innocent heart, therefore I try to avoid that as well. Though at this point I feel like kissing your lips when you feel the need, and giving you a luminous hug to make you smile.

You are the most beautiful soul when you make a silly joke, and laugh like you are free of all worries, or your skin goes crimson, or you blush, and go all red. Or when you listen to my problem attentively, and give some advice, or make a stupid joke to lighten up the situation.

I see your small soft hands, and neatly polished nails, not fancy and grown, but still decent and beautiful. I do notice your feet, the small delicate feet which you take care of, and glowing skin, which emanates strange pleasure. Your long thick hair, with a fragrance of pleasant shampoo, and the smell of your perfume with slight sweat and tiredness, all seem enticing to me.

Your body fragrance and your physical appearance is not the only thing that has attracted me. It's the extreme sweet innocent and caring nature that you have. It is the tendency to have a deep conversation, and the honesty and the upfront nature that you have, along with your beautiful soul dedicated to God. People do take advantage of you and therefore, I want to protect you from the prying eyes who look forward to ravish you. 

I know you are full of scars on your heart and mind. I want to heal those for you. Your smile brightens my day. You have no idea about that. For long I have searched for such a person. But it's only now that I have found you, and at the same time I'm too scared to lose you as well. 
I try my best to control the feelings that I have for you, but I think I may be failing and there is no way out for me anymore. I am also aware that your heart and you yourself would not approve it at all as well.

I see that you are a cold-hearted human towards me, and I only wish I was cold-hearted equally, I have tried and I have failed miserably. 

Wish I was cold-hearted. 

The Heartless

A new city, a new life, new friends and new people to fall for. It seemed Strange and unusual to me that for 5 straight years I had lived a mechanical life, with no emotions and no craving for love. But since the day I had returned to this city I had been feeling lost. Loneliness had become a part time friend and the need for a company had doomed me.

At times, sitting alone on my chair with my dim laptop screen, thought crossed my mind if it was I who was staring the screen or was it the screen that was staring back at me.

Similarly, my phone, which consisted of the world on my finger tips, yet I felt alone. I would scroll toward the end of stories on Twitter and feel lost. After that similarly I would scroll down to the deep ends of Facebook feeds but nothing interesting, and next I would go through the fake lives of people on Instagram, which of course did not help. And next it would be Snapchat or Tumblr, or Reddit, or even 9gag which always did make me feel I was not alone, but the fake good feeling only lasted for a limited cycle.

Next I would message people or friends or just humans who I cared, and waited. Some replied, some ignored. But still to keep myself amused I did what I could to get human contact. I would tire myself watching classical films to comic to disturbing and so on, still I would feel as if a heavy stone was tied to my chest and was weighing me down.

Some considered me to be a fortunate person in a lot of senses. I never knew why. Though I had no reason to be unhappy, but I still felt the sharp pangs of unhappiness from time to time. Listening to music would feel tiring to my ears, reading books would betray me sometimes. And finally..... Finally when there was none other activity left. I prayed. I always prayed to fulfill my desires, but they were ever fulfilled. I let it be, I came to conclusions that desires were just an acute peice of imagination. But the heart never accepted it.

Next I prayed for peace, patience, company, strength but nothing came easily. Sliding down the Rocky Mountain of life I prayed for love, still nothing. From the materialistic to spiritual journey I still felt void. Initially no reason in particular. But with the continuous failing and falling I came to accept that the One to whom I prayed was indeed a Heartless one.

Yes. Heartless. I tried to be heartless like him, so to keep and take myself away from the perils of being sad, still it didn't work. Days in days out I tried to show apathy. Apathy towards people, towards emotion. Towards the single person for whom my infatuation was turning into love. But I could not. I was still lonely, which would not be that bad but still unhappy for no reason.

I am still here in my room where darkness surrounds me, with the continued load-shedding and frequent power cuts. I sit and think for a reason to be sad. There is one, but my mind is too scared to acknowledge it. I want to betray my mind into thinking all is good. Whereas in reality I'm just nobody.

After repeating the drill of checking Facebook Twitter and other mediums of false communication. I try spiritual communication and feel the same. I send messages to people making myself a fool and realise that is it not working either.

The last resort is praying to the heartless God, but since he is heartless he would not listen or pay any heed, but hope keeps me go back to this HeartlessGod.

Wish I was as heartless as Him. Or as heartless as the person who I would like to love. Or as heartless as the stone which depicts the God.

But I can't. My heart is weak, fragile. Does not say No.

Sleep. I try to sleep. Close my eyes and think nothing but thoughts they flow like someone slashes a human throat and there flow the stream of blood. Red and thick.

I sit in my chair lost or lay on my bed staring somewhere far off. My mind jumps to the person of interest. I pick my phone to text her, only to realise that I was wasting time. Instead I text my friends only to get a reply after hours when the feeling has subsided. The stupendous efforts I make to find company, the length I go to make people happy, or even the false apathy I show off to make myself feel better. All seems to go in vain.

Everything goes to vain and I sit there only to realise that this is the reality of this city. Loneliness, false promises, blank hearts, and above all the heartless ones.

The Heartless One - in this darkness when there is nothing to do, or no one to speak to I feel her thoughts crawling into my heart and even the brain, I suppress the love that I feel. Suppress it because nothing hurts more than loving someone who does not love you back. In the end it's better to be heartless and transpose the darkness in the city to your heart. To avoid any further emotional and mental pain.

And to make sure you are able to do that, it's always better to remember that the Almighty one is also a Heartless One.

The Long Weekend - 1

Weekend was here, and it seemed to drift away quickly than usual. The dull Friday evening had no good stored for me. I had come down from work and sat in my chair, the empty house was breathing and in the distant I could hear children playing and teenagers having a laugh. I thought about this whole 3 day weekend and decided to do something interesting. The fatigue had taken its grip on me and I felt it closing on me as well, I decided to message a few friends here and there thinking someone or the other would be free to hang out. Unfortunately my best friends which were only two, were gone to their respective countries to meet their parents.

Suddenly a feeling descent upon me of being a loser, a person without family, without friends, without a life partner or a companion. The whole point of my existence seemed to be a joke, and the cold death presented itself as the most attractive medicine. I decided to pray for a bit to calm myself down. I had thought at times, especially 3 months ago when I was hospitalised and three more months prior to that I had a rock steady believe and not even for a second I had stopped praying. But, everything worked out with a delayed affect and slowness of a tortoise. Something that I had prayed years ago had just come true recently.

The charm of that desire, the flame and the enthusiasm to that particular desire had shrunken and disappeared. When I finally achieved it, I felt it was just dull, though it would have been great at that time, but now it was just dull. Over-thinking this I felt prayer had not acted into this at all, the results were just due to my continued effort and stubbornness to achieve it. However with years minds change along with hearts so the desires change as well, just as people. Though achieved it but it was useless and charmless.

As I was praying my mind kept on wandering to the last six months, reviewing about my existence and I felt I could not concentrate. So I stopped and decided that as per the experiences it was all bogus. For a moment I felt scared to think that way, but I realised it was bogus. Prayers said in your heart or through your mouth or in a group they never had the desired affect.

Loneliness can give birth to some weird thoughts. These vivid thoughts can brainwash you in a matter of seconds and they can also make you a vegetable. A strange thought lingering, wandering somewhere in a tiny part of my brain. I dare not to think of it, but it itches when I try to ignore it. I feel it crawling in the tiny veins of my brain, I can feel it scooting through the moist blood vessels making its way towards somewhere. I try to shut the thought, but I am not able to do so. I feel anguish building inside me, and I pray to get rid of that thought coming towards my heart, or in any way effecting my soul. I try to distract myself by thinking of the new girl who had just arrived from some foreign land to live with her relatives, I think of chatting her up, not that I was interested in her, and she seemed a person that would never be interested in a person like me. Still imagination and thoughts have no limits so I started planning to go down and just have a general talk, but, the tiny thought inside my brain had managed to crawl out off its shell and it presented itself. All the emotions with the prayers not being answered and the confusion with, "if the God existed or not" that evil thought had presented itself. The thought had converted itself into words and then sentences. The thought had taken a shape of an idea, but it was still changing itself into words and sentences, and the more I tried to shut it down the more catalytic reaction it had. I felt helpless, I did not want to think in that manner whatsoever. The thought had taken its shape in my mind and I felt it coming to my tongue. The evening light was drastically dying, along with the children laughter, and the teenagers playing in the backyard. I had no control over my feelings. The evil thought said something which I was Unsuccessful to ignore it.

I opened my eyes and felt this was the most terrible thing I could not think of, suicide, not an option. It was a cold option without any fun and looking further to this was just ridiculous.

I opened my eyes and felt I was cold irrespective of May's beautiful weather. I decided to keep the coat on and go down to meet the new girl just to wander my mind off. But the thought had been engraved in my mind like an eight ft wall built underground, which cannot be destroyed any more, and all that was written over the wall was the forbidden thought, which said:

Suicide is the man's way of telling God.

A Tear annd a Smile - Khalil Gibran

I would not exchange the sorrows of my heart
For the joys of the multitude.
And I would not have the tears that sadness makes
To flow from my every part turn into laughter.

I would that my life remain a tear and a smile.

A tear to purify my heart and give me understanding
Of life's secrets and hidden things.
A smile to draw me nigh to the sons of my kind and
To be a symbol of my glorification of the gods.

A tear to unite me with those of broken heart;
A smile to be a sign of my joy in existence.

I would rather that I died in yearning and longing than that I live Weary and despairing.

I want the hunger for love and beauty to be in the
Depths of my spirit,for I have seen those who are
Satisfied the most wretched of people.
I have heard the sigh of those in yearning and Longing, and it is sweeter than the sweetest melody.

With evening's coming the flower folds her petals
And sleeps, embracing her longing.
At morning's approach she opens her lips to meet
The sun's kiss.

The life of a flower is longing and fulfilment.
A tear and a smile.

The waters of the sea become vapour and rise and come
Together and area cloud.

And the cloud floats above the hills and valleys
Until it meets the gentle breeze, then falls weeping
To the fields and joins with brooks and rivers to Return to the sea, its home.

The life of clouds is a parting and a meeting.
A tear and a smile.

And so does the spirit become separated from
The greater spirit to move in the world of matter
And pass as a cloud over the mountain of sorrow
And the plains of joy to meet the breeze of death
And return whence it came.
- Khalil Gibran

The Fading Evening

My eyes pop open during the early hours of the morning, a certain strange feeling, indescribable in words looms over me and I feel it in my bones. A sadness which had been breeding itself in me for sometime has also been there. The morning has brought a strange atmosphere in the air and I am forced to think over it. I feel hatred for people around me, for the people I see everyday, for the people I used to love to be around. Their facades have been shattered and the real face is exposed, and, in the might of the sunlight it seems that they stand guilty in front of my eyes. There is a loneliness in the air but I'm used to it. There was a time when this loneliness brought terror to me, the fear of this same loneliness brought me to my knees, made me weak and old. But now it is just another feeling like hunger or sleep. It doesn't matter if I feel it or not, I'm sure it will remain there for eternity. I walk over to my window and look at the expanse of this city, where the fast and busy life prevails its importance, but it's very quiet here on the top floors. I light a cigarette and take long puffs from it, enjoying this isolation and the darkness suddenly I feel that I am not alone, my mind tries to grasp the thought to turn on the light as the small lamp was not doing its job in this fading evening light of the day. I thought to pray to God, but then realised it was a Sunday and I was not even able to find a Plummer, finding or requesting God would be an aweful difficult chore. I just brushed the thought aside, reluctantly I extinguished the cigarette that I had been enjoying and moved to turn on the lights in my house, I realised that someone is right outside my apartment. I look through the peep hole and saw someone struggling with baggage. I think to myself that I was not supposed to turn that cigarette off, it was overreacting on my part. I open the door and find this charming lady in front of, who only had two hands, but was trying to carry bags worth six hands, and at the same time looking to get her hands in her jeans pocket to find the keys. I must have only looked at her for a second, but in that second of eternity I **looked** her out completely. Her dark hair and dark eyes were so dark that my darkness felt pale. Her tanned complexion was nothing that I had seen, I could see that she did not have any make up on, but still she had kept herself well, in terms of her nails were files properly to perfection without any colour to them. Her eyebrows were plucked to suit her but no mascara. I noticed all this in a split of a second and decided to help her out. She was the new neighbour apparently. I offered to take the grocery bags from her. She seems reluctant to take help but then amazed at her helplessness at that moment she gave in. At times your heart feels heavy, like it is sinking in an ocean with a stone tied to it. There is no end to this sinking it keeps on sinking and sinking to the eternity. The hollowness and the quietness of the ocean is too loud, the creatures around you eye you. There are creatures of the deep ocean, both beautiful, ugly, dangerous, hungry and also illusionary. But you keep on sinking in the ocean, thinking what to make of the life and scenario. Moments of this agony turn into hours and these hours turn into days, and years and decade, but the agony remains, though one gets use to it and does not feel it again. The wounds remain fresh for a certain time but then time has also known to be the best healing agent. I snapped back to the reality and found myself helping the lady to settle the bags that she was carrying. On to probing it was found that she had moved here just a few days ago. She seemed to be at ease when she found that she I was equally confused and naturally high. Probably like minded people. I assumed that she assumed that I was a drug addict. But that was not he case, I looked around the house it was a neatly kept place which was not touched frequently. Most of the items and furniture were covered by large white curtains and clothes. Only a room which was used frequently looked as if it was under use. The whole scenario seemed a bit familiar to me, though it was apparent that she wanted me to leave. I could feel it as I had been through this, often when extreme introverts are in a gathering it becomes difficult to breathe and when a chance arrives to be alone that's when one may take a breath of sigh. The evening was peaceful. The birds were chirping away. The stillness in the atmosphere was undisturbed. Stillness like a dead body. Quietness like in a graveyard. Staring into the stillness and mind somewhere unknown to myself, though the heart could be felt beating somewhere in the eternity, and in the corner of my eye I saw a shadow dancing. A fear overcame me which also stopped me from turning my head towards the shadowy figure. Never in my life I had thought that ignorance was bliss, but that time this phrase ran across my mind like a prayer runs on Mullas mouth. A series of bell were ringing, apparently from temple. I could feel them piercing sound in my ears, there were drum beats played. I could not comprehend what was happening and I had to struggle myself to analyse the whole issue. It was raining heavily outside. The surrounding is in a whirlwind and spinning I close my eyes shut and open it again. I am in my house and I feel the door bell is ringing along with door knocks. My sanity and isolation had been disturbed. It was time to put a facade and mingle with friends - a deadly facade.......