Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.
I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?
It is dark outside now, as I look through the window, I see the barren though beautiful trees have all dissolved into the darkness of the night, and have become invisible. All that can been seen are the tiny lights coming from the series of houses and the people in the small building directly in front of me, they warm their food, eat and get back to work again. I see them perform the same ritual every day. In a while the nurse will be here, checking my blood pressure and other parameters of my body, it is their ritual and they have to do it. Time has passed swiftly and I carefully notice every day that passes, as the back to routine days are approaching nearer, and, this heaven like solitude, and peace, will be gone forever. Once again I will be in the frenzy of life and competition, to achieve something, for which I had been trying hard since the last two months, which resulted in this. I do not blame anyone for this, I don’t not blame myself as well, or my luck, I just don’t blame anyone, but, I just think who to blame. As I think in this room of reflection, I feel the coldness of winter in my bones, I feel the coldness of the winds in heart, which brings a dark phase upon me, and I feel it hard. I plan about my strategies about how will I be handling my life once I am discharged from here, but with heavy heart I just think about a source of income, which is the top priority for me at the moment. As my imaginary senior friend told me; “For those who are young – for them the show has just begun” and I do believe in that.
When I got here, my heart felt easier, the burden lessened, and my mind cleared. The fog and dense smoke of gloom cleared, though it has not cleared completely. But it has cleared to a certain extent, and this has given me time to think, think about what had I been doing in the last two month? I have tried myself, strained my nervous system and all this in return converted into a disease, of which I am suffering now. World might think that I am fellow to enjoy life, but, it is not the case. My imagination and dreams have always betrayed, though, to some extent they have stood by me and have come true, but, in a totally disgusted or different manner than expected. In this hospital I thought about life, and only found one reason to be here, that is that the Superior force had to get me some rest, else I would have broken and disappeared in the fog that surrounds the city this winter. There had to be a reason that I had to come here, in the four cornered room, to achieve some mental peace and solitude, and recover from the wounds that my soul had taken in the last two months. I am not sure if this peace and solitude has been bestowed to me by the Superior for recovery and I should expect a change after I leave this place, or, difficult times are to come. I don’t mind any of the two, but, the necessary thought to be kept in mind is that source of income may solve all problems, and more than that a good source of income, which may bring mental peace and no pressure upon me may solve my problems to a great extent. Though I lay here, I feel peace and still I think, think that there are many great and bigger things to do rather than lying here thinking about life and meaning of enjoyment, or meaning of peace. But, at the same time I think that this peace is something that I had been snatched off in the last two months, and the consequences, were a disease, though curable the disease is, but it has leapt my family thousands of mile away in to a frenzy and tension. And since there is nothing to do in these four corners, I think and think. Sometimes I read a book, but how much can a man read, especially if the author of the book is J. R. R. Tolkien. But no doubt the book has supported me, pulled me from the depression that I was plunging during my stay here.
Days are coming to an end when shall be released from this place where I have gained mental peace and have healed my soul, but what my mind muses is what steps shall be necessary when I go home?
The White Snow is being waited for long now. I see through my windows the weather is becoming dull day by day, all day long the Sun hides behind the clouds, may be it is shy, but it does hides behind the clouds, and I feel that it has betrayed me. The autumn has shed the leaves from the trees; I can see the bare trees from my windows, at length and at great distance. They are spread far and wide, and the cold winter fog blurs my vision when I try to look far away at the horizon. My obsession with the horizon has been for long now. I look at different horizon around me, choose one, and go down the path, the path is difficult, it not as I imagined, not a bit. I feel that Tyche has betrayed me, or may be abandoned me, as I see, that she has favoured many around me. I am still ignorant of my sins that I may have committed, but in my simple past life I find no such flaw according to the ethics of the modern world. My feelings are portrayed by the dull grey cold weather. I sit in this four cornered room, where I am protected from cold winds and rain. I have forgotten what the cold winds feels like, what the chills in the spine feel like, but I will be soon feeling that. I had expected more from Life before I came to this mechanical, yet beautiful world, but, my dreams and imagination has fallen and lost in the worries, fears and a disease. Everything has halted; it feels like the some superior power has halted everything and ordered me to ponder on what is happening with me. It has pulled me away from the worries and fears and strains and pressures, but, in a form of a disease. Well, no one in this Universe can go against what has been written. The afternoon seems dull as ever and this adds to my despair and sadness, when I look back two months, I feel what a life had I been living. The worries and stress and strains had taken a shape of a deadly disease, though, it is curable, no doubt in that. But, still I think and ponder about what this strange turn in my life means. I have had plenty of rest and food here. Plenty of time to talk my heart out to my family and ful-fill the time had I spent keeping the strange secrets in my heart, thus making it heavier day by day.
I feel completely useless right now, I had made castles on the clouds before I came here, and when I came here, I see myself as a failure. I shouldn’t be saying this, but as I look deep into the situation, I see that I did not move to this grey city to gain the influential knowledge which the world mentioned; like a distant land with lots of exotic knowledge , the purpose was entirely different, and I had been ignorant for a long time. Now when I have come to realise the purpose of my journey here, I feel I have not accomplished much.
My contemporaries, have a different life now, some are married, some are living peacefully, working hard but at the same time enjoying life; living a healthy lifestyle, meeting friends and family spending time with their loved ones. I am scared to meet them face to face, as I think they might look down upon me now in the same way I must have done to them once. But I sit here in my bed and analyse my life; though feeling unsatisfied.
I wake up on a Sunday, early in the morning (as I have find no reason to sleep late) take shower have breakfast, and sit with my one and only companion; My Computer. I sit research on the areas of music, art, science technology, and whatever that intrigues me. Chat via Internet with some friends, and then when it is 11am I feel sleepy and take a nap again.
While sleeping the brain works, strange thoughts creep into my mind, my mind questions me; What am I doing with myself?
I have no answer to any of the questions.
It asks; Where do you see yourself in near future?
My answer is I don’t know, it is unpredictable.
Struggling with such questions, I fall asleep in the comfortable arms of my cosy bed and dream of the dreams that never came true, or, can never come true. Playing hide and seek with them finally when my mind finds itself lost in the vast hollowness of the Universe; I am at peace; sleeping.
Afternoon arrives in this country all grim and dull, which I admire, and stirs me up from my sleep. I look at the time it is half-past one. Since yesterday evening, I have not spoken to anyone with my own will, had an intellectual discussion with someone, or just a random conversation of interest. I have not spoken to a living being physically since yesterday evening, and now it is afternoon. I find myself lonely and lost, and therefore, I decide to sleep again for couple of more minutes to avoid any conversation with the people living in my house. I wait for them until they all leave the house for their Sunday outing treat; I think they have friends with whom they can have those Sunday treats. While waiting for them to leave, I again fall asleep and wake up at half-past two. Check my e-mail; not expecting any important email on a Sunday, but then, you never know. A colleague at work had asked me to meet had emailed me; as he did not have my number. I call him and postpone the meeting for the next working day.
I lie in my bed wondering, wondering about nothing, my mind seems empty. The house is empty and quiet, it is a Sunday and I can hear happy voices from the street outside shouting and laughing. Children laughing and people joking on the streets. A pub outside my house, a place for jolly young and old, coming with friends to spend some quality time. I hear them laughing loudly on some joke which I don’t know. Though it’s a Sunday afternoon, but some of them are already tipsy and drunk in a pleasant manner. My neighbours; a family with three dogs and two kids are always buzzing on Sundays, I can hear them young lady shouting at their kids to stop doing this and stop doing that, and then I hear her shouting at the dogs as well, to stop doing this and stop doing that. Ironically one of the dogs' name is Sunny. They have invited some friends over to their place, and I am not being able to make much of their conversations, but it feels pleasant to hear them; as the conversations itself seem to be pleasant.
I analyse each and everything around me, the voices, the noises, the perfume which my house mates just used before leaving the house, the buzzing of the bees in my backyard garden; while lying still in my bed staring at the roof; which is plain white.
I decide to get up again check my mail; no new e-mails. I dress up, and look into the mirror and find a person who has changed over the past couple of months, unsatisfied with the appearance of the person in the mirror I indulge in a quest to find which clothes to wear. finally I settle for a purple shirt like always. I check the weather from my window, and see the shy sun is a little out of the clouds. I decide that I should go to my previous room mate's house, and I can have lunch at his place. he always invited me over to his place for lunch as I had always been doing favours for him by lending him money in his difficult times; to be honest he really pissed me off sometimes, but I found it really difficult not to help him when he asked for help; I myself did not have a reason for not helping him.
As I step out of my house I see that the shy sun has again gone into hiding behind the clouds, and it has started to rain; rain, something which I don't admire at all; it creates a lot of mess.
I reach at my room mate's house and his wife opens the door; she considers me as her son, and therefore treats me with a huge lunch. After lunch I decide to leave, but then I feel that it would not seem appropriate to leave like that. Therefore, I decide to just talk, and then she starts with her problems with her husband. I listen like a good listener, but inside my head I plan about the chores that I have to complete once when I get back home. I try to make her feel good by telling that I will talk to her husband and all that, and try to leave quickly, but she wanted to talk to someone about her problems, so again I decide to stay for a while and let her heart feel at ease. As I found no reason to not to listen to her and make her feel at ease. After half-an-hour of her chat, I decide to leave and find that it is still drizzling. As I walk home I feel cold, and dark, and depress. But like people say always be thankful, so I was thankful to be depress.
I reach home complete the chores like ironing clothes for the next day and washing my left-over dishes and all. By the time I am finished it is six in the evening. Again I sit with my best companion, and spend all my time. It feels like my new hobby is looking for a job, again and again I seem to look for something which may click, but I am stuck in a loop.
I make a cup of coffee and relax on my bed, just thinking about the emptiness I feel, and feel hungry; as thinking requires usage of brain and usage of brain makes a person hungry. As a habit I just have light snack before going to sleep, though it is only eight in the evening right now.
After a light snack I feel satisfied, and decide I should go to sleep, but I have been sleeping the whole day so sleep will not be coming easily to spray the silver dust on my eyes from her silver chariot which she travels in; and again I start to analyse my Sunday and write it down, just like I have been doing since the last couple of months, and when I read them they all look the same. I don't regret it, as I have no reason to be unhappy about it, unless I have lost my power of reasoning.